May 19th 2019 - What is considered beautiful? Who is the one that makes this decision? Is it based on looks, intelligence, personality or the way we dress? Do we need society to make this decision for us, or is it up to us to have the confidence to feel beautiful no matter what?
This question is a never ending in my mind - there have been so many changes to my body physically that I did not ask for, nor want.
This post is about how I AM feeling about MY body and the changes that have come with it. I have my good days and my bad days, I have days when I feel I can take on the world, and I have days where I don't want to be seen outside of my "comfort zone". Days where I just cry every time I see a scar and days I smile and am proud of what I've been through and live to talk about it. I'm proud of how brave I was to make the decisions that have significantly altered my body's appearance, but I am also sad that I had to make those decisions. It's a very confusing mental struggle underneath it all.
Sure, I put on a brave front in front of everyone and not show a sign of weakness, who doesn't in this day in age? But it's a lot harder then you think to always "act" confident when you truly aren't deep down inside.
Now please, I don't want you to think I am complete vain about my looks, I know beauty isn't measured by it - but as a women it's hard not to think that way, sometimes. As I women I should have confidence in every step I take or every outfit I where, but it's hard right now.
Losing my hair, again, was a blow - but knowing it was always going to grow back it made it a bit easier and I didn't dwell to much on that issue, I was just very impatient for it to make an appearance again!
The scars are what get me the most. Those are permanent, those can't be erased, removed or covered up - of course they will fade over time, but these are with me for life.
A friend told me; "your scars tell a story of your battle" and yes this is true they do... and man do I have the stories to back them up, but I wish there was no story to go along with them. I wish I didn't have to deal with this chapter in my book of life.
My stomach. Because I chose the DIEP Flap surgery I knew I was going to have a scar (whether it work or not) from hip to hip across my stomach. I knew it was going to be higher, above my panty line, but it was what it was nothing could be done about it.
Now that I see the incision scar every day, do I regret the choice I made? Some days. Do I like seeing a 20 inch scar across the middle of body, absolutely not! Am I going to learn to live with it, of course, it's part of my now.
Do I feel like I have to cover it up - yes. I don't want the stares or wondering thoughts from others. Will this change over time, perhaps. But right now I'm not ready to share this part of me.
My left "breast". Yes, I've had a mastectomy and yes I had reconstruction surgery right away to "hide" the fact I was missing a breast. But I did that for me; not you, not them, but for me......or did I? Was I to afraid to be flat chested on one side of my body because of society and what they would think? Or was it truly for me? I know the biggest reason was for me, I wanted to feel comfortable when I looked in the mirror, I DIDN'T want to see one breast and deflated scars - I wanted to still have the "womenly figure" on the outside.
When I do look in the mirror, of course I notice I am missing my left nipple. I have a scar where it once was replacing it instead. I have an incision scar across the breast where the mastectomy took place. Again, these are something I am going to have to live with.
From radiation I have skin discolouration and scaring from the burns that came along with it. This to me isn't so bad, but it's there - something I can live with 100%, I know this.
But from the radiation, the reconstructed breast has "shrunk" in size and I am not uneven, lopsided if you may. I am sure I am the only one that will ever truly notice this... but again it's something else to add to the pile of every growing shit of changes I have to deal with.
I'm not going to lie, there are days I look down at myself and think why me, and when I look in the mirror I do cry a little - I just still don't understand what my "path" is yet.
I do have less confidence in my body then I did before, which for myself personally I never thought would happen when I made all this decisions for my health, but here I am telling you all that I don't seem like the same person anymore.
Over time I do hope this changes, that I will adapt and I won't care when I see that wondering eye looking at my stomach in a bikini or crop top. I won't care if someone notices my chest might be a little "off" in size and skin colouring.
This is something ONLY I can work on, ONLY I can bring back my confidence, ONLY I can be truly happy with myself before not caring of everyone else.
Positive Note: Here I am, two feet on the ground with a heart beat every day. Enjoying life and what positive thoughts I focus on. Taking each day in and knowing one day I will be back to "ME".
