**pictures below are not up to date from this scan - but shows a typical look of the lungs**
Oct 11th 2019 - Unfortunately, this scan didn't show the results I was looking for. There were a ball of emotions behind this day... let me explain why.
For the 3rd and 4th rounds my oncologist gave me the option of staying on the same chemotherapy as rounds 1 and 2, but we all know how that turned out; a hospital visit that last 4 days....
Or receiving the "sister" drug, which would be a lot easier on my body with more flu like symptoms - I would hopefully react better to this drug physically.
Of course the choice was mine overall, but I know there was a lot of "push" for the gentler chemotherapy from both the oncologist and my parents; no one liked seeing me down and out, including myself. But honestly it wasn't that easy of a decision.
All I could think of was the "what ifs" ….. what if it doesn't work as well, what if the nodules grow or worse what if more show up? What if I choose wrong.... I didn't know what to do - internally I was scared to make the choice; I was screaming for help inside.
Overall the pros outweighed the cons, and knowing I didn't want to risk being admitted to the hospital again I went for option B - the gentler chemotherapy drug. Settled, the next rounds would be carboplatin.
The day of my CT scan, I'm not going to lie I was nervous - I still had the "what ifs" in my mind of the choice I made.... but I wouldn't know the outcome until the scan was done - just sit back, relax, drink those wonderful 3 glasses of pool water and enjoy injection (ahhh, the life - NOT).
After each scan it's about a week before I get the results from the oncologist. The wait doesn't bother me so much anymore, it's become second nature for the waiting game.
The day has come, it's my appointment with the oncologist prior to chemo and results day.
Mom, Dad in tow we sat in the room praying for good results, it's got to be positive today, the last one was so this one should be too!!
The pit in my stomach grew deeper.. I didn't have a side I was leaning toward this time; good or bad - it was just blank thoughts.
When my oncologist walked in the room; I knew not all was quite right.
The results came back that the pre existing nodules had grown bigger and in both the right and left lung there were more that have showed up. The carboplatin didn't show the same results as the cisplatin did.
Shattered.
I chose wrong.
Option B seemed like the best way to go, I trusted my gut, I thought I did the right thing.
All the "what ifs" I feared, just came true.
I didn't know what to say as tears filled my eyes - but I do remember blurting out; this is my fault.
The tears that built up were a lot to do with anger, I was so mad at myself, I couldn't believe I made the wrong decision and now it's hurt my in the long run. How can I go back from this. But those tears were also confusion; I asked the question if there was going to be a difference in treatment; strength wise and would the results be the same? Was I lied too? Did I not hear my oncologist correctly?
This was no ones fault; not even mine. It's the nature of the beast. It's not fair by all means, but now we know I have to retreat back to the harsher drug cisplatin - the one that showed positive results.
Positive Note: I'm able to get the CT scan every 6 weeks and the results as soon as I can after. If we waiting any longer and continued with the same treatment it could have been a lot worse. I know I complain and cringe when it comes to the CT prep, but overall I'm thankful I'm able to get those scans before it's to late.