July 24th 2019 - Switching the chemo drugs these two rounds helped out a lot. I didn't get as down and out as I did on the original drug; Cisplatin.
I was nervous switching the drugs between treatments, I don't want any "what ifs" on my end - I want to make sure I make the right decision, but really how would I know if I did or not? You think after a year of having to make decisions it would start to get easier, but it doesn't, I feel like I am always second guessing myself.
After receiving the new drug, I do have to admit I was feeling 100% better then I did the past two rounds. I was able to function.
As a pre caution I was still receiving hydration treatment post chemotherapy; 3 days of a saline drip - two days in home and one day at the hospital. I believe that this helped out a lot as well. Staying hydrated kept me healthy and allowed my kidneys to flush out the chemo faster. In the long run this will be a smart idea to keep this going.
During the 2 rounds of treatment, I managed to screw up my shoulder; still to this day I am baffled at what I did... I really haven't a clue.
My oncologist ordered an ultrasound to rule out any blood clots that may be causing the pain. I had two MRI scans; on the chest wall and the shoulder itself - waiting for results still. Over the past few weeks the pain has become less intense, and I've gained the slightest of motion, but it's still bothering me.
I guess my body just wants to fill up my plate with more problems!!! Grrrrr.
I mentioned that I received two blood transfusions over the 6 weeks, not my favourite thing in the world, but I had to do it. The next day after receiving the transfusions I felt great!! I felt like a super hero - I had energy and I wasn't stuck in bed all day, I even had my appetite back. I was a brand new person. Again thank you to everyone that donates blood - it's truly the gift of life.
Overall the past 6 weeks have been much more "livable" then the 6 prior. I felt I was physically better and was able to enjoy the daily life. I was able to get out of the house and enjoy the summer heat (with precaution from the sun of course!), I felt a bit normal I would say... it felt like I wasn't being bogged down by treatment. I think I would call it a good two rounds.
Now saying that physically I was doing great, mentally how I was feeling is another story.
I was in a funk - maybe I still am for all I know... I just felt blah. I wasn't feeling like myself...I wanted to forget everything, I was waking up every morning thinking it was all a bad dream, until I realized it wasn't. This is very real, this is my life for the past year - still wondering why? I was grumpy, and not just with myself, with everyone that came around me.
I found tears forming in my eyes when I wasn't expecting them too and blanks stares while blocking out the world...I was in my head, and it wasn't happy. Can I say I am not happy...of course I can... but truly how do I really feel. I am very confused, upset, angry, sad...all the emotions came back in full force over the past few weeks that I've felt over the past year.
Its just consuming me in a negative way.
My depression was starting to take centre stage. Am I still feeling this way? I think there is a small part of it lurking in me, but I know I have every right to feel these emotions, I just don't want them to take me to a place where I can't get out of.
Positive Note: Physically I was fine and was able to enjoy life outside of my home. Mentally I know I'm not in the best place, but at least I have realized it and am willing to talk about my feelings and emotions. I'm not hiding them anymore.