The worst day during chemotherapy treatment has arrived. The day I am more angry then sad, the day I want to yell, scream and cry all at once, the day I have dreaded since hearing the words "you have cancer". The day I wish cancer would just die.
Sept 16th 2018, I shaved my head. This was my decision, this was me being in control of MY life, this was me telling cancer; "SCREW YOU, you aren't doing this to me again", this was the day I beat cancer to the punch.
With my greatest supporters by my side and helping me get the job done; Mom, Dad, Brittany, Katelyn, Brad and Levi, Arlynn, Lucas, the decision was a lot easier.
On Sept 10th 2018, was the first day I noticed my hair was starting to fall out a lot more then just a strand here and there. I noticed in the shower my hair was starting to come out a lot easier and a greater amount, it was on the pillow in the morning and all over my shoulders / back during the day.
I knew exactly what was going to happen, it was never a secret; the chemotherapy drug I am being given causes hair loss, and I WOULD loose my hair - it was just not known when it would happen. I'm finding out into the third week post chemo.
As the week went on it started to come on more and more, starting to clump and leave patchy marks - my hair was starting to thin out and it was doing it fast.
17yrs ago, I had to make this decision, but I made it a little to late; I let cancer do the talking and tell me when I needed to cut my hair. It was the hardest day then and not going to lie it's still the hardest day now, the only difference; I made the choice when it was time.
On the outside, I'll never show you I'm upset, scared or angry at this disease, that's not who I am - I put up the front that everything is okay and I'm just fine, but in all honesty this has been the day I've been sick over.
On the inside, I'm screaming and crying - not at anyone, but I'm screaming and crying towards cancer. I don't know how many times I've said out loud to an empty room, "why me" or "this isn't fair" - but I never hear an answer, just a quiet response.
Deep down inside I'm scared out of my mind; I'm scared of how I'll look, scared of how I'll be looked at and scared of the stares, the thoughts and the questions to follow.
Most of all I'm scared I'm not going to be me anymore.
This past week I've cried so many tears, I wonder if I even have any left to cry, I do.
I think to myself, maybe I'm not as strong as I think I am, but then I remember 17yrs ago I said the same thing and dammit I showed myself how strong I was then...there is no reason I'm not that strong now.
This isn't going to change me at all - hair doesn't make me the person I am, my hair doesn't define me. If you want to look, stare and think what you want, then go for it, I'm not going to let you or cancer bring me down.
I'm still going to be me.
As my heart races and tears fall down my face, I've put all my trust into my dad, I've asked him to shave all my hair off.
With everyone standing around (I felt like I was on display!!! - no but really...), it was the support I needed, the confidence I was doing the right thing.
As my scalp started to feel more and more exposed and I heard the hair fall below me, I knew I couldn't take it back. That was that, I jumped the hurdle that I wasn't most afraid of.
Like I said before, "I beat cancer to the punch", I made it easier for ME, not you cancer.
It's going to be a long 6 plus months before I see my hair start to grow back, but if it means I'll be taking the life of cancer and it'll be rid of my body then so be it.
Positive Note: hair will always grow back. Hair doesn't make me who I am on the inside.
