Feb 5th 2019 - It's been almost 3 weeks since surgery and already the pathology report is back, I had an appointment with the oncology surgeon on Feb 1st 2019, but I get a call on Friday Jan 25th 2019, that it's been moved to Jan 28th 2019, not sure if that's a good thing or not? Either way I'm prepared to head done the coming Monday, knowing I will be getting the results for the sentinel node biopsy and more information about the tumour itself.
Mom and Dad, are accompanying me yet again to London, this time we are going back to the good ol' stomping groud of the LRCC (London Regional Cancer Centre) at Victoria Hospital. I felt like this place was my second home when I was 16 and going through cancer for the first time; it's a strange comfort I have walking through the doors again.
On the drive down I had this feeling of happiness, I told myself, "today is going to be a good day, I just know it"! I had woke up feeling hopefully, positive and ready to hear good news. Today I felt like only good was going to come out of this appointment, I believed that whole heartedly.
We waited not long for my name to be called, and we were put in a room to wait for the doctor - notebook and pen in hand ready to go.
My mood was great, I had a gut feeling everything was going to be just fine, nothing you change how I was feeling..... or so I thought....
Instantly everything changed when I heard the doctors "hello", with his tone and actions, in a matter of seconds I knew something wasn't right - and I was wasn't wrong.
The tumour that was removed in my left breast ended up being a final size of 9.6cm, it had doubled in size since starting the chemotherapy treatments. Unfortunately, the tumour didn't respond to the chemo, it was able to fight through and keep growing during the treatment.
We now know the type of cancer I have is far more aggressive then thought, it's very baffling not knowing why the chemo didn't work to control it during the 6 rounds I received. And very upsetting.
During the surgery the biopsy on my lymph nodes was done, 3 random lymph nodes were plucked from the upper breast area for testing - again, more bad news. All 3 samples came back positive for cancer. My lymph nodes are infected.
The oncology surgeon explained that a protocol was to remove all the lymph nodes in the area, but the surgery is very invasive and will leave me in a lot of pain for a very long time - he will not preform this surgery at this point in time.
My case has come up yet again with the "Tumour Board" and the multiple doctors involved agree with this option and don't want to compromise my quality of life at this point in time, we will revisit this option in 6 months time. Knowing this, the doctor suggests that radiation will be happening.
The biggest blow that came from this appointment was the results of the CT scan I had the Thursday prior, Jan 24th 2019.
The CT scan shows 2 nodules on my right lung, that were not there 6 months prior on the last CT scan. These 2 spots are very worrisome to the doctor because the type of breast cancer I have COULD metastasize within 1-3 years of diagnosis. The cells will travel through the blood stream and latch on to the biggest sources of blood flow; the lungs and the liver. Now, saying this, no one has said the words "cancer in the lung" but it's something that could be possible and something that is going to be monitored very closely.
I'm told, that in 3 months time we will repeat the CT scan and hope that the nodules haven't had any growth. 3 months doesn't seem that long, but right now it feels like and eternity for me.... my mind is spinning. I just want to know, I NEED to know.
The reason this is so concerning is because, once the cancer starts to metastasizes there is nothing that can be done. My fingers are crossed and the prayers are happening.
There was nothing positive about this appointment, everything I feared was coming true - I was flabbergasted, I didn't know what to say or what questions to ask, I was at a loss. I honestly couldn't believe this was happening... not again. I don't know how I managed, but I was still able to make my notes?
I hate to admit this, but I was done... I had nothing left... the tears pouring out of my eyes were uncontrollable... all I kept saying to myself, "I'm not ready to die".... "I'm not ready to die".... "I'm not ready to die". Eventually I must have said it out loud without knowing, because all I felt was arms wrapped around me so tight and my mom telling me; "that's not going to happen".
Every day since the appointment, Jan 28th 2019, I've woke up with the reminder … what if? I'm sick of the "what ifs", I'm sick of this stupid disease, I hate cancer more than you could imagine, I just don't get it - what have I've done to deserve this - no one does, but why do some people get the short end of the stick?
I was scared, I still am. Not only am I scared of the cancer, I'm scared I'm going to dip back into a depression with this news. It's a place I never what to go back to ever again, especially accompanied with an unwanted enemy.
I feel weak, I feel defeated, I feel like giving up.... but can I? Truly, after coming this far is it fair to myself, to my family and friends?
I need to dig deep and find that strength I had before, I need to find the positive again - it might take a bit of time, but I know it'll come back.....I hope.
Positive Note: I had the two of the most strongest people I know with me today. I don't know what I would do with out them - my parents, they are my heroes - always there no matter the good or the bad.