April 8th 2019 - This post is now the most heart wrenching post I've had to right thus far, as I sit here, there is so much going through my mind, but yet everything just seems so blank in my mind. I'm fighting back the tears that have been so apparent all day, my eyes are red and swollen, but I just can't stop, I don't know what else to do but cry.
Today was the day I received the results of the repeat CT scan, and today was supposed to be the day I was to start oral chemotherapy for 6 months.
Myself, mom and dad waited in the room for the oncologist to come in at Bluewater Health in Sarnia - it didn't take long to notice his mood when he walked in the room.
To be honest, I didn't have the best gut feeling about today - something was nitpicking at me for the past week, something wasn't right, something was off and it wasn't going to be something small, unfortunately my gut was right.
Today my world came crashing down, again, but this time it was for a different reason, this time I'm feeling utterly helpless, this time I don't know how much I have left in me to give.
The results of the repeat CT scan had no positivity to them; the two nodules in my right lung that were found on the first CT scan Jan 24th 2019, have now grown. Not only have they just got bigger, they have multiplied in the right lung and now have taken up residency in my left lung as well. As the doctor showed the 3 of us the scans, all I could see were spots everywhere between both lungs - this is not good, the tears slowly started to escape without me knowing.
I have officially been diagonsed with lung cancer, in both lungs.
Having triple negative breast cancer I knew there was a VERY high risk of the cancer metastasising in my body, that being said within 1-3 years being the highest risk of this doing so. It's been 8.5 months since being diagnosed July 18th 2018 for this to happen to me.
What this means is; the cancer has got into my blood and is now travelling throughout my body and will start to latch on to my organs, which it already has.
Now this is the part that makes me the most devastated, sad, angry, just right pissed off. It makes me wonder who the hell is "up there" getting the laughs, who's getting to say this is how we are going to live Krista's life, who the hell is making it impossible for me to believe in the positive anymore.
The cancer I have is now classified as "non curable". There will never be a day I'll hear those words again; "your cured", or "you've beat it" or "finally the cancer is gone" - those are the words any cancer patient wants to hear, but I never will.
Never in my life have I had some much hatred built up.
My oncologist has suggested that I start chemotherapy again; forget the oral treatment, we are going back to the IV liquid chemo. This is the only shot we have to keeping the cancer at bay and prolong my life.
The cocktail would consist of two chemotherapy liquids; Day 1 I would receive both chemo treatments, day 8 I would receive one chemo treatment and I would rest for 7 days with no treatment; starting the cycle over again at day 1 then again and again and again.
He is suggesting getting through 2 cycles and redoing the CT scan, hoping for results. The results we would be looking for are; no gowth, no new spots or shrinkage.
If there is a good response to the chemo within the lungs, I would have no end date for chemotherapy, the cycle would continue onwards for as long as my body and I could handle; physically and mentally.
Now the opposite, if the response isn't good or non existent then we have to re-approach the treatment option, which is not good news at all. There may not be another treatment option.
I immediately say no to this option, I can't do chemo again. I can't. How is it fair at the age of 33, to have chemo twice in a lifetime but now 3 times, no it's not going to happen. If it's good I live my life through a drug that can cause more cancer, and if there is no response I've added more shit to my body for nothing - what quality of life is that?
At this point I've thrown in the towel, I've got nothing left to give, I can't dig any deeper then I already have, all the positivity I've had has gone out the window, I'm done - CANCER YOU'VE WON - ARE YOU HAPPY YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU'VE WON.
I'm uncontrollable at this point, all the fighting I've done, the pain I've endured, the countless hours of "it's going to be fine", it's all been a waste of time.
It's not fair to see your parents cry because their child is just been told the worst news possible, it's not fair for them to feel helpless, it's not fair for them to be so mad at themselves not knowing why their child has to go through this and not them.
It's not fair for your younger sisters to have to be sat down and tell them their big sister might not be around as long as you think, that this cancer has overtaken her body, it's not fair for them to be hurting so much, it's not fair to not have answers for them. IT'S FUCKING NOT FAIR.
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Starting April 23rd 2019, I will be headed to the chemo suite at Bluewater Health Sarnia, to start my third round of chemotherapy. I will be fighting another day, I will dig down as deep as I can for the strength I need, I will look for the positive in every day I wake up, I will use the encouragement of my family and friends to continue, I'M NOT GIVING UP YET - SCREW YOU CANCER! I promise you, I'm going to give this one more shot to beat your sorry ass for as long as I possibly can.
My dad said to me, "this is just another chapter we will get through". My response, "I goddamn hate this book, I just want it to end".
Positive Note: We're going to fight all the way to the end.....
