Oct 18th 2018 - Today I've decided to post about me - the real me; what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking about, my fears, the negatives and the positives.
In my posts I know I've come clean about my feelings and thoughts, but I really haven't said to much other then a few updates here and there. People ask me all the time, "how are you?", "how you feeling?", "are you okay?" of course my answers are always the same; great, can't complain, it could be worse, fine thanks - but really lets talk about those questions.
Don't get me wrong, I am great and I am fine, but there is a lot I do not say out loud. A wise friend told me; "the more you talk the better you'll feel, no one will change their opinion of you for sharing for you feel"..... here we go.
In a previous post I said; "I wanted cancer to go away and die", I most defiantly still think that, but I feel a lot less negativity and hate behind those words now. I'm still very upset about this diagnosis and why it's come back to haunt me again 17 years later, hell why it disrupted mine and so many lives when I was 16, but there is nothing I can do other then to kick it's ass once more, and maybe this time show it, it's not meant to come back - for good.
Have I come to terms with it yet? Am I "okay" when I think about having cancer? Am I "at peace" with it? Honestly, no. Can one every be?
I was told; "before I can heal, I have to make peace with it" - easier said then done. I don't know if "cancer and I" will ever be "at peace"? I want to, yes, but deep down inside, truly, I don't think I can be. This damn C word, has so much hurt, doom and gloom and negativity behind it, how can I?
For now, I'll just erase those thoughts with positive ones, I'll look at the good in every day I get to wake up, I'll cherish what and who's around me and I'll take all the positive support and love I receive on a daily basis and use it to fuel my fight.
The mental fight is just as important and the physical one.
Huh, speaking of physical - let's talk about appearance. Not only has cancer taken a toll on my body, my confidence has sure had a butt kicking too. I'll say this until I'm blue in the face and I firmly believe it; "HAIR DOESN'T DEFINE A PERSON"... god, I've learned this when I was a teenager nd it's smacked me in the face again at the age of 33, but damn it still hurts a bit.
I'll come clean and admit, I'm a bit jealous of all these beauties walking about with their perfect up messy bun, and I miss the salon visits, heck I even wish I could blow dry my hair again - I know in time I'll be able to do those all again, but it sucks.
My confidence is still there to an extreme; the looks/stares I get while browsing through the clothing section in a store or making a quick stop in the beauty section does have a little bit of an impact on someone. I know this isn't on purpose, no one wants me to feel this way, and it's not intentional to give a double take (two or three times), but it still hurts.
With the steroids I'm administered before my chemotherapy treatment, it's also caused weight gain. I've gained close to 25 pounds since starting this whole process -that's including the stress of it all as well. Unfortunately, I won't be skipping the steroids anytime soon, I'll actually be increasing the amount my next 3 rounds.
And I'm sure a lot of you are reading this thinking... oh suck it up buttercup, it's 25 pounds...but it's another confidence buster for me.
I never feel the need to get dolled up anymore, most days I change from my pjs to comfy clothes, actually 99% of the days, I put a head covering on and BAM ready for the day. True, this is my own fault, I do it to myself and I should break that habit to better myself...but it's hard.
The days when I do put a little more umph to my appearance, I do feel good - a little mascara and a pair of cute fall booties go a long way. (god knows I love me my mascara and booties!!!)
On a side note to physical factors.. let's talk about this friggen lump! Oh my goodness it's so irritating, annoying and just a pain in the ass.
I have a daily reminder, whether it's a good day or not, that I have cancer - the lump in my left breast hurts, it aches constantly, always sore....it really doesn't want me to forget it's there.
At night I'm not able to sleep on my left side, or my stomach without a sharp stabbing pain, getting comfortable seems to be a chore. I'm not able to do much physical activity; running, yard work, lifting, carrying etc. without a painful sensation.
Be jealous as you may ladies, but I haven't been able to wear a normal bra for months now.. it's been all sport bras.
Who would have thought a boob could cause so much grief in your day to day life.
Support, MY support system. In my life I know I am loved, I have a caring family, a very close extended family, and relationships that make my heart smile. But I never knew how many people out there care, people that want to help me through my journey, people who don't want me to fight alone, people who inspire me not to give up. It's so overwhelming.
I get cards on a daily basis, thinking of you, encouragement or just a card to make me smile.... it's amazing to know you mean that much to someone for them to think of you.
If I've said it once, I've said it a million times... "I'm just me" and I mean that... I'm no one special, I haven't received any awards, or been in the spotlight, I haven't done anything GREAT to make a difference, I'm just me; Krista Pask.
However you all sure know how to make a girl feel important! I can't thank everyone enough for the outreaching, the encouragement, all the positive energy.
The benefit tomorrow night (Oct 19th 2018) has me a bit nervous, truth and I'll be very overwhelmed, but I know it's going to be amazing. I'm looking forward getting ready, putting my best face forward and seeing familiar faces! All the hard work and planning that has gone into this event is crazy, and I don't even know the half of it.
DISCLAIMER - I can't promise their won't be any tears, be warned.
Overall, there are definitely still things I have to work through on this journey, but I know it's only one chapter in my story of life and that it will soon come to an end, I'm looking forward to the next ones and what they will have in store for me.
It always seems impossible until it's done - Nelson Mandela
